Catullus 2&3 + the scholarship tradition – by Sarah Shaughnessy

My Lesbia once had a sparrow,
Her beautiful lap was its pillow.
Now the sparrow is dead,
and this poem gets read
As a dick joke — would I be so shallow?!

Lucian’s True Histories – by Drew Davis

A tale guaranteed to satisfy
On a small boat we will fly
On a journey so callous
Sailors use their own phallus
But before we start, know this: I lie

Aristotle, Politics 1 – by Kat Furtado

The polis is perfect community
As telos of family unity
No usury here
But enslavement, it’s clear
Is by nature pursued with impunity

Plato’s(?) Alcibiades 1 – by Alison Cleverley

The ultimate bad boy you know,
Ruined So’krátes’s flow,
He partied and played,
Possibly got laid?
But had no love of wisdom to show.

The early Satires of Juvenal – by Sophia Alkhoury

There once was an old cross-roads in Rome
Where a satirist made his cruel home
He cried out and he whined
He abused and maligned
And poured his slander into a tome

The Iliad – by Erica Venturo (with bonus app. crit.)

There once was a hero from Troy,
Who was tricked by a clever ploy,
Patroclus, he died,
Achilles, he cried,
And then fought to avenge his boy[friend]*

* ‘friend’ doesn’t count in the last line (since it would ruin the metre and rhyme), but I just thought it felt right